always a fork in the road and tired of it.

[Natalie]

Im new here and Im grateful. Finally found a place to read and learn what others are doing with their illness. I have complained and cried in my first week here and hope I am not a hindrance to others. Sorry. I was afaid to start a new topic so I posted some things to others in replys. I apologise. Im way too emotional, my thoughts are all over the place sometimes. I try hard to be everything to everbody so I will be excepted. This disease is just one more hurdle in my life thats forcing me to grow mind body and spirit. Its hard to meet people and have relationship when Ya going through so much. Im going through so much more than this disease, so I aplogise for being so in your face emotions!


I saw my GP yesterday and realized he was not interested in Morgellons at all. This didnt freak me out, I knew it but wanted to hope he would read the literature and question me. Its true he hasnt been my doc for all that long, Ive had alot of doctors, but when I met him I wrote him all my symptoms, the biopsies, cultures and records of my past. I thought he would take it in, but I see Im only a number to him. Im so tired of having to move in different directions. Just when I think I can relax something else pops up and it rattles me. Im so tired physically and emotionally. Antidepressants cause me worse constipation and bad dreams than I already have, so I cant take them. Ive tried many, in small doses. The one good thing I have is the SAME psych. doctor since this all began. He also has seen the other family members from house I got sick at. That means alot to me. Im not making any of this up. How can we all be dellusional ya know? It hurts my feelings when a doctor or anyone for that fact doesnt beleive me. I know I have a huge ego, I have to allow others to have there own ideas no matter what they are. Im trying.

When the fork seems to be in the road I just want to run away. I tend to give up and retreat, become bummed out and angry. I cant do that any more. It isnt helping me. Please say a prayer for me? And all of us?

I dont even have pictures on the wall. Im always ready to leave. I wish I could relax and have a normal life.
I do try to though. I swim a little at a hotel pool my friend works at. I keep busy all day, writing letters to docs and my family members. Hoping they will wake up.
My doctor asked me yesterday, what do you do?? As in I think you obsess and are wasting your life!

Thats so foolish. Im weak, in pain, tired, nauses and usually have some kind of infection. Hello!! But, I clean this house like a mad woman. I clean the street I live on. I deliver food to people who dont havve any. I do laundry almost everday in a car that needs to be cleaned everday because of the itching. I write letters to elderly friends who are alone and I take care of any animal I see that needs attention. Im not well but I fake I am so I can lead a good life. I try to be there for people too much. I know I have to slow down before I break down. So what do I do he wants to know. He didnt want to know. He never even waited for an answer. Thats ok. I know who I am and where I can go with my problems. Not him, but GOd. Im not dismissing him like I used to other docs. Not yet. He still gives me some meds I need. So sad, it sounds like Im begging doesnt it? Things will turn soon. I see another few forks in the road and I think I will just take a breather before I choose anything new. Thankyou for letting me rant.

I told everyone right from the begining how darn sensitive I am. I have my witts about me. I may have some dpression but Im not psychotic!! Nor dellusional. Just need to clarify to people so you arent afraid to talk to me. I do have a hard time making close contact with people because of this whole illness, so I apologise for my quirky ways.

Looking forward to peaceful days! Nat

[Jo]

Hi ya Nat,

You are SOOO not alone my friend.

I tell myself, doctors, friends that I'm NEUROTIC sometimes (because of the stress and anxiety of this disease) BUT I am not PSYCHOTIC. There's an important difference here. We are sometimes mentally challenged because of things that are very REAL not imaginary.

Nat, I'll light a couple of candles and say some prayers for you and the gang.

Just remember that this is a marathon, not a sprint. We don't want you burning out (I keep having to tell myself this too!)

Love and hugs

Joey xxx

[chester]

Hi Natalie, i am Nancy...(so you wont be confussed by my writing with my dogs name as my screen name.) The folks on this board may have been victims in the past....but, in my mind they are wearing victory crowns. Here is one for you....!!!! Congratulations on overcoming this giant forked road, and welcome to the straight and narrow. This morgellons mess is not about you or us anymore. Its assault on our lives is just making strong folks get stronger. Knowing you are not alone is a big part of the battle. Knowing that it(morgellons)....is labeled "defeated", is pause for a bit of joy, a cry of victory. Faith in the face of the forks! Shake off the hurts and fears you have been thru because of this horendous mystery. Welcome to the party where we will celebrate its defeat. Thanks for bringing all your gifts and talents to the table, pull up a chair, roll up your sleaves and vent away. We are happy to hear all you have to say!

[Margo]

Bravo, what a great thread. You've expressed what a lot of us are currently going through very well. I seem to do better if I keep moving and busy. It seems that the moment I stop is when I become more self aware of all of the symptoms. If I am busying myself with cleaning and outwordly looking to somehow helping others or animals then it removes me from this reality if only for a moment. To be able to forget this even for a second is definitely a blessing and you hit the nail on the head as to how to go about doing just that!! Keeping busy if you have an ounce of strength is the best medicine for me.
Burning self out isn't good, but some balance as well.

Thanks for your post.

Margo

[Natalie]

Thankyou people. The last three days have been hard, but these messages are helping me. I dont have a plan to die but Im so sad. I have enough antibitotics for awhile but why do I have to treat myself? Not lierally asking you, just stating what Ive been doing. They have no idea. Is this too big for me? Can I do this foolish stuff? Its really foolish. Noone in there right mind has these problems and treats them selves. But its happening to me. Bugs bite me, I get boils on skin, Im itchy, I may throw up, I cant go to the bathroom, my muscles hurt, my head hurts, I am extremly aggitated, bad dreams, urination hurts, skin hurts,

this is stupid. This is wrong. I read some stuff here and other places. Some people sound like they are telling the truth and others sound like they are playing with us. Who the hell can we trust? I dont trust anyone. This is not a post for rant its a scream to people to leave us alone. I have nowhere to go but here. I left the yahoo site cause they were so cruel to each other. Noone undertsands but a few. IM settling down a little, Im sorry. Im not gonna fake what Im going through any more. I usually go through what I wrote to make sure I sound ok, but not now. If you think I can go through it I will. My problem is that If I get sick I cant go to bathroom and it causes poisons and my whole body reacts in a painful state. the dreams are horrific like when I was little. I really cant just be sick. The doctors have taken so long so I treat myself. I scam for antibiotics and diflucan I know what works on my body. Im not gonna cry any more tonight. I promise myself to take better care and thats it. My honesty leaves me with nothing sometimes. Im so hard on myself. IM NOT going to die or kill myself, even though I want to. I could wish this but something wont let me. Thankyou for being here. I love you all, Natalie

[Kritters]

Hi Natalie,

We were never promised a rose garden, but we didn't expect a parking lot filled rotting decay of parasitic over-run either!

Natalie, you sound like an incredibly giving and selfless person.

You've done so much good in life. You will continue to do so and something will come of this for the good as well. You are a part of it. It is for a reason. We all are part of this for a reason, although we don't know how profound the impact will be just yet. I have a good idea though.

Hang in there with the rest of us. It really sucks at times....okay most times. Please find comfort in this forum. Take a deep breath whenever you get upset and think of something that really makes you laugh. Sit quietly at least once a day and think of nothing. Let your mind escape 'things'.

Kritters

[Natalie]

You know I wasnt breathing. Thankyou, I am now. Laughing is good for me and us all. Ill put today to bed, tomorrow is another chance for life, right? Serious as anything, thankyou, and everyone here cause I can feel you. Love Nat

[Natalie]

I am revising my thoughts on FORKS in the road! ThankGod for many choices and the abilitiy to be free to choose. My fears were stagnating my progress. The fear of rejection I biult up from years of being dismissed, are not going to rule my life anymore! Im grateful for the many roads ahead. If I make a mistake I wont feel guilt or remorse. I shall honor my God, myself and my fellow man by allowing me to BE me. Sick or not, happy or sad, I am always cared for. I can get through this. Ive proved it over and over.

I think I have Trich, ecoli, Bcoli, mites, worms. They will discover a blood test for us. They will through our prayers and determination give us what we need.

Are we the new lepers? Are we being tested beyond our wildest imagination?

What is happening in this world behind closed doors, cause I want to know. I pray that the baddies and the freaks, the ones who steal and mame and hurt children, the ones who disregard and judge us for being us, I KNOW these will come to the surface like the bugs WE harbor and be illuminated for the world to see. Justice will prevail. Come on out evil ones, come on out cause the light WE carry is strong and searching. We see you, you cant hide. Let the truth be told so we can heal is my prayer. Amen

I was listening to my fav. artist and poet Patti Smith. She moved my soul to write to you all and myself. Thanks for listening, love Natalie

[Natalie]

I am so sorry, I just found replys to my posts. What ****head huh? LOL! I thankyou all for your loving thoughts and the lighting of a candle, it means alot to me. I really hope people see this and forgive me for NOT replying sooner. Ive been here for 2 months? But still figuring out how to maneuver around it. Love ya all, Nat

[Kritters]

Originally Posted by Natalie

I am revising my thoughts on FORKS in the road! ThankGod for many choices and the abilitiy to be free to choose. My fears were stagnating my progress. The fear of rejection I biult up from years of being dismissed, are not going to rule my life anymore! Im grateful for the many roads ahead. If I make a mistake I wont feel guilt or remorse. I shall honor my God, myself and my fellow man by allowing me to BE me. Sick or not, happy or sad, I am always cared for. I can get through this. Ive proved it over and over.

wow Nat! When you put something to bed, you PUT SOMETHING TO BED!!! you go girl!

xoxo Kritts