Hanging out inside the lesion

[Brenda]

i have ALWAYS found chester's sense of humor amazing!! her descriptions of her painful ritual of soda and the lesions, are emotionally real AND deep deep inside...........funny. i love her writings.. brenda

[chester]

thanks for the kudos everyone, it takes alot of work to get someone like me brave, and im thankful for every ounce of it.....ive been there done that with anxiety attacks when i was young. Attacking anxiety with humor surely is a gift from God....it is so hard being human....it is so hard being "ME". Its annoying that wherever i go...there I am. For those whom believe in a loving God, it is good to know, especially at this time of celebrating fathers, that in the old dictionary i have, there is a section of root words. The root words of father draw a picture: RUSHING AND FALLING FORWARD WITH ARMS OUTSTRETCHED! When i was young and scared to go out in the world, i asked God , if you are real, i really need help. I had been at the point of suicide. A powerful sensation of a pole came thru the center of me, i did not understand, but i laughed all thru the night. I later found out that God gives the holy spirit to "whomever asks", a gift made for us humans that is a spirit of power, and love, and a sound mind. A spirit who takes a stand with us against our infirmities, guides us into all truth, who calls us to hear the words of a loving Heavenly Father,,,,,,,,"Fear nothing, for I AM with you, be not afraid, for I AM your GOD; I help you, I strengthen you, I support you with my victorious right hand." I report here, I have fallen in fear many times daily in the past 35 years since learning about our Heavenly father, and He has faithfully fulfilled the above promise. He has never failed......i continue to do so. Thank God, there is a word for that....."let the weak say, I am STRONG". This fiber fight is about the scariest thing i have ever dealt with. The folks with their eyes open to it are brave souls, and this is a strange mysterious complex path. It is good to know we have a creator who is rushing and falling forward with arms outstretched to help us. In time, hopefully, we can do that for others. Until then, it makes me brave to know im not alone.

[Brenda]

chester......you are the bravest person i know and i thank our God for your gift of writing. so clear, precise, humorous. you ARE a gift. brenda

[bpw]

That is incredibly beautiful. Thank you for sharing, Chester. A pole? I will never forget that imagery, and it rings so true. I will keep asking...

bpw

[suzzie38]

Nancy aka. Chester,
..You have a wonderful insight and a loving soul..never be afraid of sharing yourself with others..you are one of gods blessings..you make me feel such inner peace..it's raining outside but sunny in my heart..suzzie

[lindalu]

Nancy,
Your eloquence with words is amazing. Yes, you should write. I grew up with a very spiritual Grandmother, who was my light in the dark. My dad was an alcoholic and we were raised by my mom, who had many issues along with the aftermath of an abusive, alcoholic and then raising 2 little kids alone.
But, it was not until after my son died that I got a clear picture and definite answers to prayers. Things happened that were just to (as Mary would say) woo-woo for them not to have been divinely directed.
I too have contemplated if life was worth living, but have always realized that is not the way it works. I believe we are here ot learn things and if we "short-cut" (suicide) when things get hard, we miss the lesson. I sure wish I had not taken on so many lessons, though!!!!!
Surely this "thing" has made us all different people in one way or another.
So, I keep plugging away, talking to God and my angels, hoping 'this' will soon be gone forever. Funny how I tell myself NOW that living with Fabry disease is a very manageable thing- after this!
Thanks for your thought filled words.
Linda

[chester]

Humor sits in the corner, rolling its eyes. Sadness has come to the table...serving up a pity party. Angerrrrrrr throws another log on the fire. Fear blinks the lights in the room............ Come on folks, lets leave this place and go out of the box, out on a limb. But first, a short story about going out of the box, out on a limb. When i weed the yard at night i can only see what my headlight flashlight focuses on. A square foot of dandilions i can deal with, an entire yard too hard to consider attacking. I can work with what's "at hand". We can focus on a small area of this mystery, cut it up one square at a time. We need everyones help, we need them to come out of the box, out on the limb. One night i was weeding late, our old home not haunted, but inhabited in the old chimney by a family of raccoons. At sunrise and sunset there was a ruckus up and down the chimney. That night, in the dark, revealed by my flashlight on the roof was mama raccoon and one of her babies. She was dragging him across the roof, cooing at him in a gentle manner. He dug into the wooden slats, protesting and crying out in alarm. I listened as she persisted, eventually getting him into the tree, out on a limb. Out of the box, out on the limb she left him. He cried and cried, yes.....just like a big baby. Then he fell to the ground below.She was near by, coaxing him. Thanks for the coaxing folks, thanks for being near by, thanks for working on the ground work of this mystery. My last report, about globs that become blobs, blobs that move like buses of folded up fibers with baby beans inside continues......... Baby beans inside of bean blob buses unfold into trains. The trains contain baby beans traveling to new destinations inside a fiber. If they go under the skin they are called BEAN SUBWAYS. If they go above the skin, dry out, they become BEAN PLANES, air borne to new places to bloom. I cant write about the BEAN SUBWAYS yet, because i cant get past thinking about BEAN PLANES. It is the fault of SAFREY, whom has compared my observations to the bryozoan marine animal colonies behavior. I keep being drawn to similarities that would be hard to explain, prove, but sure help to make sense of this situation. In contemplating his reports i gain info i didnt have before. And before i continue, here is an excerpt from his observations under the catagory "Speculations".................................... .................................................. .."That research lead me to crystal tectonics which then lead me to Calcite, also known as calcium carbonate. Calcite has literally an endless array of possible crystal formations, and guess what, bryozoans are Calcite producing machines." The other night, as i was using the microscope, viewing the days sticky tape finds on the tv, traveling over the tape with the led lit wand microscope. I have been obsessed with fiberballs. They are so unique, artistic. Each in a different color combo, some single in color. The intricut weaving difficult to replicate, hard to fathom making. The random dispersal of various colored single fibers picked up by the tape, distributed here and there about the fiberballs. There are some other ignored things on the tape, the fiberballs always my focus. The ignored things came into focus. I call them RODS and PODS, and GEMS. These are tiny objects that appear hard, not soft like a GLOB or BLOB. The ROD is rectangular. The POD is circular or oval. The rod looks like a twig or grass. The pod looks like a stone. They are usually multi-colored. If they are single colored, they appear metalic and reflect the led lights of my microscope......i call them GEMS. I have seen them in red, silver, tourquoise, blue, green, amber, white. IN a flash of AH HA........as my exacto knife appeared under the scope tapping on a pod.......i had the thought of how fiberballs are formed. IF you can come along on this wild guess, you may have a laugh, get an ah-ha or be assigned a square of this mystery to work on. Here we go.............. Mr BEAN, as i call the leader of the lesion, makes magic happen with his wife. They dont make love, they make MAGIC GOO for globs to become blobs. Their MAGIC GOO also makes their kingdom for baby beans to live in.They live in houses in holes, stacked in layers, surrounded by 5 sided fences with yards, and surround their kingdom with a growing ridge or wall. When the Mr.and Mrs. make MAGIC GOO it contaiins all componets of the kingdom. If the MAGIC GOO drys out, it can crack into pieces. Time to crack a joke? This will crack you up? What happens to cracked up MAGIC GOO? What if it becomes airborne? Its comes in for a gravity landing anywhere. IT looks like a soft BLOB or GLOB, or a hard ROD ,POD or a GEM. It has magic inside and begins to soften. The contained particles of BEAN KINGDOM inside begin to grow. The red particles, the blue, the black, the amber, the white, the pink, ect........each have a job in the kingdom, and their work begins. The tiny particles grow and unfold slowly into a cocoon shape. They are still glued together on the outside.Inside the magic goo makes them grow. More time passes. The particles are now kinked folded fibers growing. They exert pressure on the cocoon glue and burst out. As they dry they seperate from clinging to crimping, unraveling with space between them and still a part of a unique FIBERBALL BEAN PLANE> they will seperate totally eventually. Unraveled completely from the trip they have been on, they seek a place to root.The group of individual fibers now enter the world alone. They flutter on the breeze, seeking a place to anchor, attach, settle, unpack its suitcase of assigned embedded bean kingdom seeds. Alone in a big world, the single fiber distributes its contents, hoping to attract others of its kind to complete its job in making a new kingdom. More Planes arrive, other rods and pods contribute their color coded contributions, the gems their magic touch. Blobs and Globs join the party. A new kingdom begins. Another puncture wound of this mysterious skin disease arrises. Thanks for coming out on a limb with me, this journey wears out my mind......time to go rest in the box. The trash men have arrived. The dogs are barking. The past weeks garbage removed, along with it 2 bags of weeded mystery plants, a stack of sticky tape, a weeks worth of facial lesion bandages, a vacuum bag full of fibers and if possible......the fears, anger, sadness of dealing with this mystery. Humor comes out of the corner, pulls up a chair. "Knock, knock" it says......it wants to crack a joke. But, i am too weary, the mystery of the lesion beyond my mental abilities to understand. Someday there will be a book....morgellons for dummies on the shelf. Probably an infomercial.

[chester]

The romance started in jr.high. The promise ring led to a phone call years later. We want to get married at home. What this meant was that mom will take care of everything. The historic chapel opened its doors finally to the local folk. The snow fell several days before the at-home outdoor reception. Sticky post-a-notes were double stuck all over the yard by mom, instructions stated for whomever "had it in their heart" to help. The rented horse and carraige ,to bring bride and groom from chapel to house called......they just went out of business. A giant rain storm passed by hours before the 7pm wedding. A mom friend,assigned and alone, forbidden by her catholic training to go near the alter.......placed huge bundles of home picked lacy white spiarea blooms at, around, before and behind, the table of God, adorning the creator's design , and her tears........upon the handcarved chapel, stained glass, and lacy fabrics and golden candlelight. We cant talk about it without crying, georgeous only begins to describe the effect. A welcome setting for the Spirit of the Lord to join two hearts into one. While guests celebrated around the yard with a oven baked homemade wedding dinner, the sky cleared, the sunset temps heated up in the gloaming ............and before the full moon came up........the wedding tent got put up. Just in the nick of time, whew, when darkness fell.......twinkeling lights turned on. As the diamond disco ball began to turn in the tent, the sound of a big drum roll called the guests to a cup of champagne at the entrance to a magic room of a celebration of love. The bride and groom, seated in their wedding chairs were surrounded and encircled by a standing wall to wall circle of blessing. Toasts were accompagnied by a drum roll, and pronounced into a microphone that had a a sound -responding strand of lights. Twinkeling toasts and blessings flooded hearts and raised spirits above mundane, routine, chores, work, hard times, afflictions......all that forgotten. A new military graduate, whom that very week, flew his plane over this wedding tent design during a final flight exam stepped up to the mic. Over-coming his shyness, the wedding tent was overcome with silence as he created a toast, using an old irish drinking song in a new way. Here, freshly retreived from an old stack in the basement.........drum roll please, grab your champainge, lift your glass, lift your spirit: The re-created irish drinking toast........The wonderful love, Of a beautiful maid,And the love of a staunch true man,The love of a baby unafraid, Has existed since time began. But, the greatest love, The love of loves, Even greater than that of a mother, Is the tender, passionate, infinite love, Of a groom and a bride for each other. A time to dance, a time to build, a time to love, a time to celebrate, a time to dream,a time to bless. What a time it was! Now its time to relate this to the story at hand. NO WAY, you say? WEll, Mr. and Mrs. Bean got married and they have a design, a plan. Its time to get their party ended. Time to clean it up. The clean up crew is assembling, the parts and pieces of this needing to be disassembled. What is the design of this, what are the parts and pieces? What is it exactly that is needing to be removed? When i designed the wedding tent, i used what was at hand and what came to my mind. It evolved one step at a time. I I started in the center, with a 4 inch, 12 foot high pvc POLE, similar to the heavenly one discussed in my fathers day story. A flag and parachute hoisted to the standing top, disco ball added with spiraling extension cord down to the ground. The ribs of the parachute dictate the walls of the room, every other rib needing to be attached to a receiving post at the circular perimeter of the tent to form a high ceilling. Back to home depot for 12, 12 foot high, 2 inch thick pvc poles. And two 20 foot pvc poles to bend into an entrance and exit. The way to bring them home, by the way.....wrap them around the car attached to the door handles. Doing the ground work, to lay the walls, required pounding fencing posts every exact amount of feet away from the center post, and equal-distant from each other. Using a ladder with a hanging rock on a string helped to know if the posts were straight. What we didnt know was whether or not they would cut thru the old sprinkler system. A little mystery added to the job, and later a little expense of sprinkler repair added to clean up. YOU may have left the wedding, before this point, or at this point you may be thinking about making a tent? There is a design to everything, and when you get done understanding the tent design.......you will see inside the morgellons lesion.......so hang in there. Ok, center pole, surrounded by(in my design).....12 fence posts that stand in a circle to form the outside wall of the tent. Each fence post about 20 feet from the center pole, each fence post forming a circle and equal-distant from one another. Wish i had a picture, got the picture? The 12 foot high ,2 inch pvc poles lay on the ground, waiting to be duct taped(yes, duct taped!) vertically to each fence post. I cannot figure out what in the world to put at the top of them to hold the ribs of the parachute up high. The parachute is from army surplus, a used one, and old. ONe time it held a vet up in the air and safely landed him. Now, i need to safely hold the parachute up as a high ceiling, and i need an attachment. But, what? I went to the dollar store in a brain fog and bumbed into a big box, making alot of noise. The box was full of shephard hooks. I came home with 12 of them for $12. I taped the hook on the top of the 12, 12 foot poles, and taped the poles to the fence posts, and VOI LA,and DA-DA-DA-DUM it worked. The hooks held up the parachute ribs and kept it from flying away. The other side of the hook held up swag twinkle lights all around the tent in a circle. Oh it worked and was sssooooooooooooo pretty. The main design was now set in place, its structure ready for wind, rain, or sunny weather. The walls almost unnecessary to function, just a necessary boundary for privacy and decor. The walls were cloudy plastic, not quite see through. It comes in a roll from home depot, tough plastic, about $20 for 50 feet. We cut it in half lengthwise and it was tall enough and long enough to surround the fencing, be taped to the poles, yet leave an open entrance and exit. BEnches, tables, wedding chairs, candles, flowers added inside the new room, finished the final touch. BUt, surprise! The sunlight came and dappled the walls with dancing shadows of light, the wind billowed the parahute, fluttering its fabric to the beat of the music this wonderful room made in our hearts. Once the wedding was over, i could not take it down. It was too lovely and we gathered there often thru the summer and fall. The center pole was left for winter, being laid down only to attach lengths of christmas lights to raise up a giant tree decoration. Mother nature finally took over a winter yard. The tent a memory, now stored in bags and places. I miss it. I wish i could store it in a can of liquid. Open the can and pour it into being. Each poured particle expanding into the structure. Imagine, in the blink of an eye, the tent liquid makes tent structure. Mr. and Mrs. Bean are lucky in that. They make magic ooze. The liquid ooze makes the structure of their kingdom in the blink of an eye. Why are they making it in my skin? I dont want it there. I mop the ooze with soda, i dont let it spread. The ooze makes the structure fast. If it spills out of the hard cloudy plasticky rim it enlarges its tent. Does it ever get tired of making ooze? Does it rest? Where does the ooze go when its not spilling over the rim? I would never build a wedding tent under ground. Yuck. I would not think of building one laying on its side. I would not even consider building one on top of another, or one below another. Mr. and Mrs. Bean are busy. I think they have been doing some underground building with their design. This needs to stop. A toast to Mr. and Mrs. Bean: May your design fail, your ooze dry up, your structure come crashing down. May nothing be left , of your right to any step in continueing to make globs, blobs, rods, pods, or RAILS. May the shadows you hid in , open up and let light in, and unhook your time in my skin. May you shrivel in terror, unhook yourself in perile, and be carted off in a toxic waste barrel. Amen

[JCNME]

Chester - all I can add to all of that is


AMEN!!!!!

JCnMe

[chester]

I know, amen, my brain is worn out from thinking, how to describe what i see and understand it. I feel stuck up a creek without a paddle. Time to look at safreys bryozoan challenge to prove/disprove similarities/differences. For those of you in the mood to brain-storm, take a look at the pictures on this site. If you can understand the text, bless you. http://app.pan.pl/acta48/app48-447.pdf

What i see in the pictures is a pattern. Not only a house with a five sided fence for each bryozoan......... but a circular growth pattern with a rim or wall around it. Of course these are skeleton remains. When i remove a sample of blood erupting from a "white bean " being pulled out........the "blood "settles on the packaging tape forming a 5 sided pattern. Yes, that could be the pattern of the tape manufacture process. However, looking at the inside of a debrided lesion, i can see and count a five sided "fence" around each bean house(hole) in my face. This is why i started using baking soda.....so the "lesion blood" would not spread or increase(like poison ivy).The soda MOPS up this patterened ooze and blood. Another interesting observation i was able to make from looking at the charts, was the relation between the highth or witdth of the growth of a colony. From what i understand of what they are showing.....the taller a colony grows, the less wide it will be. This is what i noticed on my dogs lesions. They grew tall and deep(ulcer under raised bump). On me they grow wide or deep(but never tall). The widest i have found grew on my neck beneath the ear over the vein and it was about quarter size and very shallow. Another below it on my neck over the vein was also about quarter size and very shallow. Also, one on my temple likewise......wide and shallow. The shallow ones come out easily just wearing baking soda on them for about a week. The soda goes into the lesion, swells the area, turns the surrounding skin red. The whole lesion begins to dry out after a couple days and thats the end of it. Could the lesion determine its design highth/width by how far it has to go to connect between surface air and sub-surface blood? Could that be a factor? And if so tell us something about what it needs to sustain its functions? If so, strangeling it from the surface by blocking air....would that kill it? How many minutes, hours, days could it go without oxygen before it died? I have used AL's theory of ST. JOHNS WORT, and it is a great sticky drying substance, but only left it on overnight(it being strange looking having a dozen brownish goo patches on my face). Perhaps wearing it non stop would be a good experiement. Or, is there something that could suck the oxygen out of a lesion? At my best all i can think of is a tiny computor vacuum attachment held to a lesion for what.......hours, days. Ok, who wants to try that experiement? Warts are freeze dryed....has anyone tried that on a lesion? I held an ice cube to one for about an hour but that didnt alter it. There is a silver ion battery opperated gizmo for $100 on the net, and i didnt order it, but read about it and wondered if holding it to a lesion several times a day would speed up silvers abilities to errode a lesion. Has anyone tried that? Does anyone know if these facial lesions show up in a dental x-ray? Maybe they could be stained, x-rayed, then injected with a shot of something. There are times when applying soda that the entire lesion shrinks as it drinks the soda. But, this doesnt kill it to the depths instantly and cause it to "just fall out". THATS what i would like to find! The tall and deep lesions on the dogs, after MONTHS of once daily applications of Sovereign Silver, were completely erroded from top to bottom. On my deep lesions, i use the soda, followed by silver to speed up the process, but, it is tediously slow to get through the layers of rims, patterns, hooked in beans. They seem sooooooooo deep. The benefit of doing this type of removal, i think, is that it allows the punctured skin to heal along with the process of removal. Am i totally missing the opportunity to remove one of these deep puncture invasions simply and easily........or is this where we are at......praying for that very instant magic potion? Oh, Dear God, please show us how to remove an entire lesion in an instant. Give us something that will go to the depths, highths,widths, and lengths of this affliction and render it removed . We ask in the name of Jesus, whom you sent to set the prisoners free. Free us of this ,we pray. AMEN