Just need to talk-feeling depressed

[Lizette45]

Hi everyone-

I went back to work about a month and a half ago. Have been pretty good at forgetting and blocking out what is really going on with me. My symptoms have not been too bad for awhile. Meanwhile I put on a happy face at work and try to act as if nothing is wrong. A few times left early because wasn't feeling well-felt like was going to trow up and full body aches. One night I did throw up-luckily the bath tub was nearby-argh! Today I called in-just didn't feel like mentally dealing with work today-also the fact that I have had a hard time with finding things to eat for lunch at work etc. And not to mention that seems like sometimes all I do is think about food-thats not normal for me-I am not a big eater as in the past sometimes I would almost foorget to eat and do not weigh a lot to begin with. So yesterday had a latte and ate somethings I shouldn't had-muffins-3 small ones at a sald buffet. Needless to say I paid for it. I felt really sick to my stomach and became crabby, itchy and very sparkly with the glitter crap. I think sometimes I am just testing things to see how much I can get away with before symptoms appear. I just want to live like a normal person again! It's funny because no matter who you talk to about this or even lyme-unless it is someone that has dealt with any of this-they really don't get it. It's futile to even try and explain. As far as people at work are concerned-I have lyme-no other wierd stuff-I feel none of their business anyways and I would be a walking freak as well as could end up out of a job. It's hard not to feel so alone in this. Do any of you just want to stand up and scream in front of everyone " I have this weird, untreatable disease-parasites,fungus who knows what else is inside of me-that has taken over my body" and just be done with it! Just watching their reactions, but feeling oh so free like aweight has been lifted-"yes I do have a seriuos disease-understand that I am not the same". I pretty much have stopped talking about it with my mom and spouse( they don't understand-I have found the spouse and I get along better if I never bring it up) and try to act normal. WE are still not living together-but he pays his share of the bills and we see each other about once a week. Sometimes I get lonely-I am not a very social person anyways. But most of the time am fine with living a lone-I have my dog! since this happened I have changed and as I look at my spouse I realize he is the same as he ever was. Things he does now get on my nerves-I see that he is so much like a child that it annoys the heck out of me. Even going to church and knowing that I should let go of some feelings-I am haveing a hard time of giving up my resentment I have towards him because of how treated me thru this. WE have lost our closeness, trust and sometimes I don't even want to be around him. altho I don't want a divorce-not that again-we will never have what we had before-altho not all bad. I think a lot of the love has been lost. Yes- counseling was brought up-but he has made no effort for an appointment as he said he would do. I guess I have just let it go as it is. I have no desire for anyone else or even him. I know this is really personal but-I never want to be intimate physically ever agin because of this thing(s) in my body. I just want to in a lot of ways just be left the heck alone. I am going to make another appoinmemrnt with my dr today and sort of in a very careful way tell him that I think something else is going on-tell him some of the other symptoms that I avoided telling him at first. Asking for some additional treatment. I am sooooo tired of this! Anyhow I really just need to vent to people that understand and are going thru the same crap

LOL

[hilly]

Poor Lizette, yes, I do understand and feel for you so much.. been through it all at one time or another ... but thinking about you and feeling for you.. you are doing right to vent it all on here. There are lots of people to offer comfort and hope. Keep going. Hilly x

[carla]

Liz , I ve been through the exact same thing with my husband. It made me think he behaved like a child . I ended up completely resenting him and could'nt bear to be near him. I m over it all now and will never go there again.
carla xx

[Kritters]

Closed minds and pre-conceived notions are a common and unfortunate thing, Lizette. I'm looking forward to the day when all my data is in and I can put it in front of all the eye-rollers. I've shut up until then Keep your head up girl and your info to yourself until you're cured because you will be.



xoKritters

[ladycolorado]

liz when back o see if can pm me , i am always here for you (LC).

[Gator]

Hi Liz,

Yes, yes, I understand!!!No need trying to explain, it just makes matters worse and folks think we are really crazy.
I went through this when I had a chemical injury. Lost my job, income, family friends, and life as I knew it. No amount of explaining did any good. Just made matters worse, so now that I have lymes and whatever else I just don't say anything only that I have Lymes

Would I like to stand up and scream? You bet!!! I only cry out at home and I pray to God and call upon his name. I know He hears and answers prayer as a yes, no, or wait. I have gained more wisdom and knowledge and discernment through all of this. There is a LymesPrayer group on yahoo and I go there sometimes.

I try to do what my parents taught me as a child that is: When you come to the end of your rope; Tie a knot and HAN..........G-ON.

So Liz, hang in there. All on this board understand and care for you. Let us know when you need to scream and someone will answer. Also, God's phone number is listed in the Bible at Jeremiah 33-3.

I had to get over the resentment and bitterness by just saying : In my heart, mind, body and soul I forgive all who have hurt me, many many times and even now I have to repeat it.

May God make His face to shine upon you and give you peace,
Gator
PS pm me anytime, I promise to get back to you.

[ladycolorado]

gator is really nice i might add she is ladycolorado buddy approved, lol (LC). p.s i have learned alot from her.

[Lizette45]

Hilly,Carla,Kritters,Gator and Lady C

Thank all of you so much for your care and understanding! I always know that when I get like this or just need to talk-you will always be here for me. I will do the same for you. I feel so much better after reading your replies. Even tho I have never met any of you-I feel a close connection that I really don't even feel with my sisters-sounds odd I know-even tho we aren't estranged-just far apart. I know deep in my heart that one day we will all be cured-and yes I remember that saying tie a not in the rope and hang on-and yes-I do pray and know that our father is here for us. He gives me a lot of strength and peace at times like this also. Anyhow I hope that all of you are doing ok and haven't had any set backs or such. You are all the best!
Love You guys!

[carla]

Liz, You have helped me alot too. When you first came I was going through the end of my marraige and you helped me see that it was not my fault and stopped me feeling guilty. . Because our stories are so similar (or our exs are at least ) I ve felt a connection with you instantly. I m glad it helped you to post . It does me too. Keep your chin up sister, love carla xxx

[emilyawhite]

Leaving site.