LabRat,
PLEASE hang in there!!!! I think you have it even harder than a lot of us, because it seems ilke you do not have access to a lot of the products we are using that are helpful.
Let's try to brain storm together to help find solutions that will work for you!!! I'm going to message you too, and maybe we can start talking in email about things that will help you.
I know how awful it feels tho, but maybe not as badly as you. Like I said, I think in my area I have access to more helpful products. but I do know, at least to some extent how horrible it feels. I kept thinking at one point all I wanted to do was find one of those government installed booths where you go to be turned into a green cracker and end it all. But I knew I could not because first of all, I knew it would have left a nightmare for any and all of my family - even the remote ones who are not supportive. And even friends, etc. I don't think there is any way not to hurt ppl. And I dont think it solves the problem in the long run. Also, I am much better than before and so things are better now. I know of other ppl too who, like you, were sick for a long time and felt those same types of feelings, but then found ways to start getting better, and now are so happy they hung in there. So let's try to get you well to the point you feel differently too.
I'm sending you a big hug right now!!!!! And lots of love!!!! And I'm pretending to send you some homemade cookies, but I don't cook too well so maybe you don't want those.
Please keep in touch with me and promise not to do anything to harm yourself.
XXXXX
Fracty